Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I see more hoeing in ur future
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