life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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