My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
