people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
