WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
