Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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