you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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