I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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