I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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