I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
