We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
