Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
