so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Farmville is her only friend.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
