Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
