The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she peed on how many people?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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