it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
