just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
