my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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