I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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