mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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