It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
