i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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