oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
