did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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