You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
