His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
