if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
