The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
