Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
