my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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