giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
