mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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