just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
A bitchslap is in order.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
