My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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