Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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