I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
