Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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