You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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