Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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