Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
