We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
try to milk me bitch
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