I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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