If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
