wanna go halves on a baby?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
