): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
