Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
