i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He passed out mid-signature
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
