My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
