Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
