You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
