Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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